:(

I’m still writing for the therapeutic effects of words pouring out of me. It’s been about a day since I found out about his new life, and new girlfriend. In all these years, I thought I would really take it in my stride and be truly happy for him. When this day finally arrives, I found out that I was half-right. I am truly happy and truly miserable too. I honestly did not know that I still can feel this degree of sadness, such loss. So I’m quite caught unaware and ill-prepared. A lot of things run through my mind in the past hours. Trying to make comparisons with the girlfriend that I know should not be made, running through a gazillion of what-ifs, prep talks, consolations and reframing. It is all quite futile because I just feel really helpless. I don’t know how to leave the onionhead when he has offered nothing but his heart, sometimes even when it’s bleeding. I wish I could be alone to prove certain things to myself, that I was not being a liar when I keep telling myself that I really do care for even though I keep getting into relationships. I wish I was stronger and could tide through the depressive episodes even when I’m alone. Most importantly, I wish that I am so happy for him that I don’t even have to think about myself.

Peiting has converted me to her favourite song now. Now it’s mine too.

<最浪漫的事>
背靠着背坐在地毯上
听听音乐聊聊愿望
你希望我越来越温柔
我希望你放我在心上
你说想送我个浪漫的梦想
谢谢我带你找到天堂
哪怕用一辈子才能完成
只要我讲你就记住不忘
我能想到最浪漫的事
就是和你一起慢慢变老
一路上收藏点点滴滴的欢笑
留到以后坐着摇椅慢慢聊
我能想到最浪漫的事
就是和你一起慢慢变老
直到我们老的哪儿也去不了
你还依然把我当成手心里的宝 

Generalisations and poverty

As Andrew C. Janos put it, social scientists go on creating generalisations because:

 This is the only way to create some order in disorder and to discern pattern, without denying the ultimate uncertainty that makes the study of human affairs so exasperating yet so tantalising.

A sobering fact:

The richest 20% of the world’s population receives 82.7% of the total world income while the poorest 20% receives only 1.4%. (1992, UN Development Program)

Inverted Pascal’s Wager

I should really be doing my journal but I cannot withstand the allure of idling on wordpress. Religion would aptly be the theme of last week’s life. Ever since I knew Immanuel, there has been more and more discussions surrounding Christianity. Sometimes I really dread these debates because I think that they cannot be systemised or fully explored. All the evidences thrown from both sides are rather useless because there is not a significant clash. Nowadays, I’m more receptive to one good point kind of presentation e.g. a new refreshing perspective at this age-old question. I realised that I might die an agnostic at the rate of my questioning and believing. The Pascal’s Wager, inverted, could be interpreted as such – I would rather not believe, so that if there’s is no God I will not feel stupid but if there was I knew that I couldn’t have chosen him due to the imperfect information.