Grouses

It’s sitting like that by the window in the dead of the night, wine-intoxicated, that allows me to come to terms with myself. And the strength and frailities within. It’s on a nights like that that truly makes me realise what it means to be truly alive, to be nothing but a mind that cherishes dreams and memories alike, that thinks and laments concurrently, that maddening stream of thoughts that occupies the concsiousness, that surges forth with a rapidity that is hard to capture.

In my half-dazed mode, I’m trying to watch a movie – “10 Items or Less”. It could be that I’m too drunk, or it could be that it is making very poignant observations about life. Either case, I am thinking lots about how chanced encounters with certain people sometimes jolt one into thinking about one’s life. And considering how random such fleeting encounters may be, isn’t it amazing how our lives are absolutely governed by exceedingly random events?

I used to think that ‘Burn After Reading’ was a mega-cast with a stupid plot, but more than any movie I’ve watched, it kept resurfacing as a constant reminder of how absolutely senseless lives can be sometimes. The amazing, amazing bizarreness of it all. It’s like watching the random documentary in IMAX yesterday. It wasn’t much but just looking at Van Gogh’s paintings and his debilitating zeal for capturing everything that he sees with his glorious palette moved me so much that I was on the verge of tears. I thought it was so silly but the tears just wouldn’t stop welling. I kept thinking, how would life be like if we live with a passion that consumes us? How would it be like to put all of yourself into ONE thing, one thing that makes you burn so hard for it?

Cross-country training with Zehnder was the nearest I ever came to a passion. Those were the days when I would have just one uncompromising goal. One goal to centre all of my life around. Although it was the same terrain over and over again, somehow, with the years, it seemed like it could be a perfectible art. With every single run, you knew exactly when to charge and when to take it slow. It’s like you know when to boost your opponent’s morale and when to break their strides. I still remember how it was like in the final Nationals, it was almost like a song. The whole run was like a song…

Love

Can it be that some people are not built for monogamous, long and stable relationships?

Strange strange life

Life is very, very strange. In fact, a world that has organised, urban societies is even stranger. It’s like a mad trial. You are forced to learn so many things in such a short period of time that sometimes you don’t even get to think. Considering the high degree of stress, it’s amazing how most people get through it without going crazy. Maybe it’s cos they don’t think. Not thinking is a gift, it enables you to just go from moments to moments. It’s never about the past or future, it’s always about the present. I wish I would live more in the present.

Run.

There have been many who think that running is a stupid activity, a boring flurry of cycling legs. Most of the time I agree, and this is especially so when I try to be honest with myself. Nevertheless, as with every thing that man does, I think along the way I invent meaning for this past-time. I begin to see running as a reflection of something deeper than a moronic aerobic exercise. I begin to convince myself that it embodies discipline and has its own unique philosophy. (If you’re interested in my idiosyncratic imagination, you may read on.)

I like running because it always takes one from a locale to another (barring those who prefer lab-rat style running on treadmill). And this, is not what many other sports can offer. For one, when I swim, I like to imagine myself as a leaping dolphin in the Pacific ocean, but nevertheless, that is more likely the cherished delusion of a bored-stiff goldfish that is swimming to and fro in a tiled-tank. Running is nothing like that. Running makes the scenery around you  reel back slowly like gigantic wallpapers, and if the environment is unstirring, you would be that only lively, prancing figure caught on a still-frame. Somehow, there is a certain gaiety in being such a lively feature on someone’s visual landscape.

Running is an exhilarating escape. In a long stride, you are no longer bounded to a locus. In that split second, you have traversed a minute segment of space-time. Running embodies an initiative. In that, action is sometimes better than non-action. If contemplation is a reflection of wisdom, then action may be a dramatic depiction of a will. When you run, you either have a goal or you have a nightmare behind you. In either case, to run, is a demonstration of Man’s freewill, his ability to abandon and his ability to pursue.

The running courses are sometimes like life’s challenges. And I always believe that when I know how to run, I know how to live my life. There were some runs that were so bad that I would give up after five minutes and allow myself to stop at every red light,  and in those times, I find that I throw in the towel with the same rapidity as with all other endeavours in life. There are other runs where I feel that if I push harder, I would get my body to go beyond its limits and in those runs, I am always surprised by how much I have left when I thought I didn’t have anything anymore. It’s always surprising what one can find out about oneself in an innocuous run. It’s like what those NS guys say about NS. When you are driven to extreme tedium and exhaustion, you just drop all pretences and be yourself. And since you run alone, you alone will judge.

I like the big gulps of air that come along with running, hardly anything makes me feel more alive than that. The greater the exertion, the deeper the satisfaction. The harder one lives, the more alive one is.

From this point on

I’m standing at a juncture whereby I am considering the path to take in the next 2.5 years. The choice between the study of business and politics is really difficult to make. Having done a minor in business I almost know instinctively that the study of shareholder wealth maximisation does not get me high on cloud nine. It is like an insulated world of numbers and models. It reminds me of the days that I would do fascinating math sums together with Lei in multiple Mcdonalds. There is a comforting formula to every valuation and there are always limited assumptions behind every formula. Doing finance is my intellectual vanity at its max, the desire to conquer something that the brightest minds in school excel in. I like the business school because it represents competition, and I get excited at the prospect of struggling with and conquering something. Also, I don’t like to feel that my baby knows so much about something that I have no clue about.

My heart is probably with politics because I can understand people and interests more intuitively than I can understand cold hard numbers. I like to read about how institutions constrain agency and how society struggle to negotiate with the state. Because politics concern important fluctuations in sentiments that would affect the polity and an acute interplay of interests which is fascinating to watch, I sometimes feed off the drama. But that would be putting it too cynically, perhaps more fundamentally, I really care. Reading about how systems can exploit people and the interests of the rich, powerful and numerous can subjugate those of the poor, disadvantaged and small, convince me that there is a point in engaging society. Given my temperament, I would very much prefer something like philosophy, which germinates in safety and abstraction.

At times, I get somewhat upset by my fickle heart. I’ve gone from interest to interest, plotting such an eclectic education path that I have problem explaining my choices to prospective employer. Sometimes, I think I should just be a housewife because that affords me the MOST time to do EVERYTHING I want but I know I will wither away without challenges. I hope I get out of this confusion soon. Time is running out.

Thanksgiving 2009

10th of January 2009 is a day that I doubt I will forget in a long time to come. In fact, I hope I will never forget it. 

The day started with a farewell and birthday party for a good friend who would be going to Russia soon and ended with a mini food party that I threw for the people who have been so very special to me. I don’t know how to begin writing about it in perfect prose but I guess if I could I would really want to preserve this feeling of blessedness in my heart forever. I really lurve the people that I keep in life. I don’t keep everyone but for those whom I do, I really keep them as close as I possibly can.

In retrospect, University started out really badly with me floundering in the depths of a full-blown identity crisis, wondering  whether certain fundamental values that I have in life are sustainable and desirable. It could be years of excessive emotions overload in the relationships that I have with the different people, it could be a spate of traumatic episodes in life or it could be anything. Regardless, the solemn reflection that ensued made me fearful of the company I keep and overly suspicious of everyone’s intent. Hence, it came as a surprise when in the last year of University I decided to channel more attention to people, I was able to really find some friendships that are honest, genuine and heartfelt.

As PS wrote in a little card to me, I am really grateful to how the Public Policy Challenge brought the four of us together. I feel that amongst the four of us, there’s a certain synchronised idealism about life and an eventual concern for issues which are bigger than ourselves. Although we don’t always talk about it and philosophise about it out loud, I guess we could all see how we would each attempt to work towards these shared ideals in our own ways. More memorable still is the crazy amount of fun that we’ve had in the semester that just passed. And interestingly, it all started with a silly competition that we did not even win because of a ridiculous blunder. Thinking back, PS was really prescient in saying that she really believe in blessings in disguise. If it cost a public policy championship and 250 bucks worth of beer to have this bond amongst the four of us, then I guess it’s well worth it.

Pre-Xmas Party after results release!

Waltzing on ice!

Dosvidaniya Edwinyeo!

Another very important group of people in my life would be the few friends who have stuck with me since River Valley days. It’s been at least a decade since we all first met and it’s really amazing how we’ve all grown. Individually each of their friendship to me is priceless and insurpassable by anything that I may have ever possessed.

I lurve… Horsie for how she taught me so many things about life and constantly challenged my preconceived notions about the world… Baboon for his unyielding platonic love and impossible support during the darkest period in my life… Man for her bold spirit and competitiveness which had inspired me to never be content with the status quo… Birdie for her wittiness and giving, understanding nature. She’s the one person whom I’ve never managed to give anything for she’s always so willing to go the extra mile… Lei for her perseverence in the love of our life – running (or perhaps wining nowadays), and her sweet, thoughtful ways… Wendy for her ever presence as a friend whom I do not necessarily share a deep connection with but somehow would always cherish because for some reason, we have always been friends. With her, I realise that friends need not agree, you just need to lurve the other person enough to want to always be there. And finally, Edwin for being the light of my life and opening up new dimensions of thoughts!

My precious!

Through all the good times and the bad...

 I lurve the people in my life and I hope that they will always be safe, happy and close to me.

On the Celestial Scale

Circumstances have thrown me off my path again and as I force myself to be resilient once more, I learn that even as we struggle through the darkest hours, we must no matter what, have faith in ourselves and in Him. He will do what He promised. Rights and wrongs will all be perfectly calibrated and accounted for on His celestial scale. You will see that this is not the end.

If I can only watch one movie in my life, it will be Constant Gardener. Here is a  beautiful, beautiful song from the best movie ever made. Absolutely enthralling.

 

In my hands
A legacy of memories
I can hear you say my name
I can almost see your smile
Feel the warmth of your embrace
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child
See the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are

Never thought
This day would come so soon
We had no time to say goodbye
How can the world just carry on?
I feel so lost when you are not at my side
But there is nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?

Sweet darling you worry too much, my child
See the sadness in your eyes
You are not alone in life
Although you might think that you are

So sorry your world is tumbling down
I’ll watch you through these nights
Rest your head and go to sleep
Because my child, this is not our farewell.
This is not our farewell.

Happy Birthday

I celebrated Joshie’s and Mummie’s birthday today. Although I have a crazy assignment due tomorrow, I’m still glad I took time off to celebrate the day with them because it is a really nice feeling to see someone being really happy because of the small things that you choose to do for them. =)

This afternoon, we threw Joshie’s a surprise birthday party in Chatterbox and one could tell that he was very, very touched! Turned out that it was the first surprise birthday for him and it was something that he had been looking forward too for a long while too! That look on his face when he saw all of us was simply priceless and I thought it’s been a really long while since I last saw such an expression of pure bliss.  The Sino-sing people were just plain angelic too, everyone who got invited and could come came. Even RZ who had already started working took the trouble to come down during his lunch break. And considering how this is week 9 with a crazy amount of deadlines, it is really amazing how everyone came ahead of scheduled time and stayed beyond what was necessary! I guess, sometimes it’s really nice to know that there are a lot of people around us who would take the time, and effort just to make each other’s day.

All of us pointing to the birthday boy!

The Spring onion and I brought my mum to the IMM Crystal Jade restaurant in the evening. She was really excited about it, even notifying my dad in advance that she won’t be making food for him tonight and eating at 2pm so that she won’t starved by the time we get to the restaurant. Although, it was only IMM, you could really tell that she is so happy about everything around her! She even tried to put on this seriously funky slippers while we were shopping around. When we showed her the menu, she just said anything’s fine and told us to order what we liked instead, fortunately all the dishes that came were just delicious.  In the end, the mini-birthday celebration ended with my mum buying a packet of gummy bears from Umeya. The way she held up that small packet of teddy bear was just plain cute. Sigh, sometimes, I really love my mum, she is so easily contented and indefatigably cheerful!

I think all these reminds me that there is no such thing as not having enough time for people around you, it’s always a matter of choice and whether the person means enough for you to go out of the way for him or her. No matter how busy we are in life, let’s all always have time to celebrate the small victories with a small bot of champagne and every birthday with a yummy cake! =)

Fly away

Lest we forget how great our parents’ selfless love for us can be. We all have a limited time with them on this earth, make them happy and cherish them with all your heart while they are around.

 

“When will you be home?” she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She’s watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
“We need you. Please come back”
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh…
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

On Hope

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. – Lin Yu Tang

Brings to mind the likes of Gandhi and Martin Luther King. Millions have hope for they first dared to hope.